Drowning Above Water

Anxiety feels like you’re drowning above water. You struggle to breath and swim, but the pressure of the water just keeps holding you back.

This morning I woke up feeling low and I had no idea why. Last night, I worked out hard and felt a bit sick afterwards so I showered and laid down, but I couldn’t sleep. My mind and heart were racing and I couldn’t understand why. I had a pretty good day. Work was fine, my workout was great. I mean, I got a little weak after the workout because I was tired and hadn’t eaten since lunch earlier that day. I thought I’d eat and be fine. I ate, showered, meditated, stretched, and laid down.

But I was restless. My body was aching, my stomach was queasy, I felt like I was getting sick when just moments earlier I felt fine. Then all of a sudden, my face is wet with tears and I started to hyperventilate. I just couldn’t pull it together. I started doing breathing exercises and I ended up on my balcony in 40 degree weather scantily dressed, just trying to get some air. The cool breeze against my skin calmed me and there is where I began my meditation and prayer.

Finally, I calmed down and was able to breathe without feeling like I was hyperventilating. I tried laying down to sleep, but sleep never came. It was almost midnight and I lay in bed anxious and I still couldn’t quite figure out why. I haven’t been stressed. I’ve been working out consistently and eating well, so I was feeling great. My relationship with friends and family had never been better. I couldn’t and still can’t pinpoint the root of my anxiety as I laid in bed.

Anxious. Heart beating fast. Thoughts running a mile a minute.

When the clock struck 1:00 am, I decided to get up pray and meditate again. I sat in my meditation corner for awhile, burning my sage, my salt lamps on, my favorite crystals for sleep deprivation and anxiety, and my journal. I grabbed my journal and began writing about things I felt good about. I wrote about my feelings, what I’m happy about, my progress, and my journey. I wrote a couple positive affirmations and just really sat and did some self reflection.

Afterwards, I felt good and relieved. I was able to fall to sleep with ease and I woke up this morning feeling fine. But the moment I got to work the ease and carefree feeling seemed to lift from my shoulders and I was smothered with anxiety! I sat at my desk for a while thinking to myself, “What’s wrong with me?” Truthfully, I hadn’t gotten this way in a while. The last time I felt this way, changes were beginning to happen in my life. I was moving to a new area about 40 minutes from the area I had finally adjusted to, so the idea of change and a new environment excited me but made me anxious at the same time. But nothing was changing that I knew of.

Besides my goals that I’d written down and promised myself I was going to bring to fruition in 2019. I finally pinpointed a vendor to begin my new business venture and maybe the excitement mixed with fear from that also brought me anxiety. It’s a new, uncharted territory for me and I don’t really know what to expect from it. I’m not really sure; but my peace is important to me. So here are a few self-care tips I’m going to take to make this day better.

• Take a break. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a break. If that means leaving work early, taking an extended lunch, or just taking a day off; do it! Put your phone on Do Not Disturb, ignore all of those toxic social media apps, and just chill. I love taking a social media hiatus to get my mind right. During that time, I’m usually reading a lot and just enjoying time to myself doing things that I like to do. Do what you have to do to make sure you are good. You can’t be good to anyone else if you’re not good yourself.
• Relax. Take a deep breath and focus on calming down and relaxing. Whether that is laying in bed and watching your favorite movies, reading your favorite book, doing some yoga, going to the park to enjoy the great outdoors, or just quiet time alone. Do whatever keeps you calm and relaxed.
• Write it or talk it out. My journal is my best friend. She hears all of my darkest thoughts, secrets, the highs and lows in life, she’s knows everything about me. She listens without judgement and whenever I write it out, I feel so free. My journal doesn’t respond, so when I’m looking to really speak to someone, I call my best friend Deja. She’s listens without passing judgement, helps where she can, and always gives me great advice. I could depend on her just like my journal. She’s like my therapist. If you aren’t as fortunate to have a best friend that is a wonderful as mine, seek a therapist. I’ve been wanting to try therapy and just haven’t tried it yet. That will be my next move.
• Focus on finding and protecting your peace. Finding your peace isn’t always easy. It’s a journey. It may take some time but figure out what brings you peace and how to maintain it. I could tell you a million things I do, but what works for me, may not necessarily work for you. That’s something you have to figure out yourself. It takes a lot of self reflection, focus, and effort to find peace but once you get it, it’s bliss.

This just about sums up the last two days of my life. Writing this brought me peace and made me feel better. I’m currently sitting at a job that I don’t particularly care for, focusing on my peace. At the moment that is meditating and writing for me. Just those two things have completely changed my mood.

I hope all is well with everyone and that you are all at peace and happy.